8w2d pregnant.

A little over 7 months to go!!

YEAH!!!

The Floor in which I lie

You know those moments in your life where the only thing you can see is the floor in front of you where you tripped and fell.  I'm there right now.  The floor is cold, and it's not very pretty.  It's bloody and it's causing me to not feel well.  I'm dizzy from hitting my head on it.  My knees hurt from hitting it so hard.  I think something may have broken.  I'm not sure.  But I can't seem to get up.  I can't seem to force myself to even open my eyes.  My head hurts and the light causing my headache to worsen.  But I know if I get up, I can find help.  But the thought of getting upand letting everyone see my wounds isn't all that appealing to me.  Is it pride?  Is it fear?  What is this emotion keeping me laying flat on the floor.  I'm not sure what is it.  But the longer I lie here, the colder I get.  The more numb my body gets.  So that means the pains not there, doesn't it.  Doesn't that mean I can forget it happened.  I could just put a band aid on my knees and take some asprin for my headaches.  That'll make me feel better...won't it.  I don't need to ask for help, do I?  I'm a big girl.  I can do this all on my own..right?  I'm getting weaker.  I think I might break down.  I want a hug.  I want to cry on someone's shoulder.  But that means...oh god....that means...I need someone other than myself.  That means someone will see the deepest secrets.  Maybe I don't need a hug.  But I want one so bad.  I want someone to show me they love me.  But if they see all of these bruises and scars, won't they judge me.  If they only knew what happened to me or what I let happen to me.  They'll hate me.  I'll be thrown out and hurt worse.  Time is running out.  My pulse is getting weaker.  My blood is running thin.  I need help.  For the first time...I open my eyes.  I look up to light that not hurting them.  It's a face.  With all the love of the world in his eyes.  He calls me beloved.  He wipes the blood pouring from my head.  And the pain goes away.  He lifts me to my feet.  And cleans of my knees.  I can't stand very well.  So he picks me up like I'm his bride, and he carries me.  He sits my on his thrown, and looks deep into my eyes.  "Oh god", I think.  "Oh no, he sees into my soul.  He knows.  He can't know."  So I look away.  And I try to get up and run.  But my body is so sore, I cannot seem to move.  He touchs my face.  His hands are so soft and loving.  He pulls my face so my eyes are looking deep into his.  And then he says the unimaginable.  "Beloved, you are mine.  Nothing is ever going to take you away from me.  Beloved....I will NEVER leave you, NOR forsake you."  I start to cry.  I've longed to hear those words.  Is he sincere.  As I stare into these deep eyes.  I know it's true.  I know this road won't be easy.  And I know the floor I know so well, I will hit again.  But this time getting up will be easier.  This time, my King is going to be there with me.  Because you see.. My beloved is mine......and I am His.

UPDATES!!!!

Hello long lost readers of this xanga!!

I have a new job at a great bank.  I'm starting school in August to be a CPA.  I got a new car.  Wrecked the new car.  Really bad storm.  Tree in the road.  Swerved to miss and almost hit a semi.  So I went threw the tree.  Car is good though.  It's a 2008 Ford Focus.  It's red.  All of my hospital bills are paid off.  Praise the Lord.  A Credit Card is paid off.  Praise the Lord.  My bills are getting smaller and smaller.  I'm buying a house soon.  Just getting the finances in order.  Praise the Lord.  I'll be living in Valpo where I work and go to school.  It's actually civilized country as opposed to my fields of corn and beans!  Making new friends.  Loving it.  I turned 21.  I drank.  Won't lie.  Went with my mom and dad and my sisters and a lot of the other family.  It was a blast.  Don't worry folks.  I didn't get drunk.  I don't like getting drunk.  And I don't believe in getting drunk. SO I didn't get drunk.  And I've only been to 1 bar since.  It's fun.  I like being able to go out with my awesome sisters now.  I love Jesus still very much.  Learning knew things about myself through Him.  Reconciled a friendship that has been broken for almost two years.  There was much rejoicing when that happened.  The Lord is continuing to be faithful to me even when I am not.  He's mercy truely does endure forever and life is going so much better than I ever imgained it would.  After my ex-fiance left me,  I honestly thought I'd never make it through.  And now it's been 8 months and I'm happier and I know he is too.  And that makes life great.  We both are way better off and what was done needed to be done.  And the Lord has worked on me so much.  That no hard feeling really remain.  There is so much more to life.  So many more places to go and people to meet.  It's too short to hold grudges and indulge yourself in the things of the past.  Moving on isn't a bad thing.  It's quite amazing and quite wonderful.  So there's your entertainment update.  I still love Chris Brown.  Still in love with Grey's Anatomy.  My puppy Shepherd is doing great.  I got him the day after the breakup and named him after Dr. Shepherd off of Grey's.  His full name is Shepherd McDreamy Martin!!  Gotta love me!!  Anyways.  Chose to love.  Live to love.  And be love.

Peace-

Currently Listening Exclusive By Chris Brown see related

I Had A DREAM!!!

This was a grand dream that I had. I married Chris Brown. Oh it was a grand dream. Lifestyles of the rich and famous!! We went to Texas to see old friends. I was about 6 months pregnant and married to the hottest black man that ever walked the face of this planet and I was going to have an mixed beautiful baby!! Oh did I mention he was the best dancer EVER!! Oh life was grand. I showed of my husband off and pranced around all cute and pregnant. And then it gets better. We flew out to an awards show. And I walked the red carpet with him and saw my best….are you ready for this….Jessica Alba. So we sat next to her and her husband Cash. Chris performed at the Grammy’s (that’s where we were) and he performed "With You" and he dedicated it to me. And in the back ground was a slide show of his and my history.

Well that’s my dream. It was great. I woke up happy!

It happens

So Valentines Day. Just a day to make flower and chocolate company’s rich. Still a hard day though. I hate that day. So many ungrateful women out there, it’s quite stupid. Sometimes women just drive me nuts. It’s never enough…..ever.

So because I’m single and don’t need to do anything for the other half. I took one of my girls out to dinner at Chili’s. We had a blast. We dressed up really nice and just went out for a night on the town. I’m glad we went. It was good for the both of us. An excellent time of fellowship with someone you love. I bought Shepherd a Valentine’s gift. He got a new squeaky toy. JOY!! He loves those darn things. I on the other hand…hate them. But they make my little puppy happy. I also baked up a storm. I made chocolate chip cookies, white chocolate macadamia, brownies, cupcakes, and oatmeal cookies. One of my dear friends is going to Paraguay for 2 years and it having a bake sale Saturday. So I decided to put my baking skills to work. It was fun. I took some over to my wonderful brothers’ house too. Even though the oldest won’t eat them.

So that was my Valentine’s Day. Not very eventful. Talked to some amazing people. Got some calls that were unexpected. That’s your old brother core for you. They are wonderful men.

OH!! Watched the Grammy’s. My wonderful Rihanna took the show. Like always. Chris Brown looked incredible…like always. Even Channing Tatum was there. I like him a lot too. Great dancer. Going to see Step Up 2 soon.!! It was a great show; needless to say. I still love my media. That’s what my heart beats for.

Well folks, there’s the update of the day. Still praying about Europe. We’ll see what the Lord has in mind. I’m not sure yet. I’m still searching. I just know I’m sick of living in this place in life. I’m ready to move forward. I’m not dating anyone. I have absolutely no plans too in any of the near future. That will only change if the Lord’s got some different plans in mind. That’s it!!

OH WAIT!!! My 21^st Birthday is 2 months from today!!! Rock on!!!!

Peace Out!!